Sermons

Yom Kippur Sermon 5770
Rabbi Marcia A. Zimmerman

Kol Nidre is the longest service of the year. On Rosh HaShanah we are taught to look out on the world to see what Judaism has to say about the world outside these walls. On Yom Kippur, we begin to look inward; we look inside ourselves at our relationships and our relationship with God and we stand before God to ask for forgiveness from God, and within that, from each other. We come back to Kol Nidre after a year and it is as though we have a conflict with somebody whom we value, the relationship has stress. Our relationship to God is not exactly what it should be. Yom Kippur is here to tell us that we have serious business to do. It is the day of longest liturgy, of prayer, in the year because it takes a long time to come to terms with the conflicts in our lives, to come to terms with our conflict with God. We need to do teshuva, to atone for our sins. We are here to deal with the conflict at hand. We are here to ask for forgiveness.

I am sure that many of you feel similarly to me that conflict seems to be all around us these days, in every aspect of our lives. So I thought I would take this opportunity to delve into conflict, to look at what it means for our lives, and how we should approach it. Conflict is a natural part of life. We somehow have bought into the myth that if we act correctly, if we say everything correctly we can erase conflict from our lives. I have to tell you this is not realistic. Nor is it what we truly want in life, because conflict can propel us into synergy and creativity. It can bring us to a deeper understanding of who we are as individuals, and deepen our relationships to a level we never imagined before.

Conflict by definition is: two or more opposing forces, clashing and colliding. Conflict is a part of our daily lives and how we approach conflict determines how we will feel about our lives and how we act in this world. Instead of trying to wash it away or ignore it, we need to approach it, and decipher it, and define it and resolve it. We need to confront conflict so that with conflict’s resolution, we can learn more about ourselves in the world. Then perhaps we’ll find that our lives more full of serenity and health and healing.

Surely we find conflict every time we turn on the T.V. or open the newspaper, but conflict is not new. All you have to do is open that book in the pew called the Torah. Torah is there to teach us how to maneuver through live, not to make it perfect. It is there to help us find meaning, even amid life’s imperfections. Adam and Eve: let’s start there. They eat from the tree of knowledge when God them specifically tells them not to. When they were caught, Adam blames Eve and Eve blames the serpent. I think blaming another thing or person for your wrongful actions is never THE solution to a conflict.

Cain and Able: Cain is jealous of his brother Abel because of his offering to God is seen as a choice offering, a close reading of the text tells us, and God liked that. God applauded that. Cain was jealous, and God saw the jealousy. God says to Cain, “Be careful! I know you have something in your heart and sin is at your door. Be careful, because your inner conflict can be taken care of by you worrying about yourself. Worry about your own offering; don’t worry about your brother’s.” But Cain didn’t listen and he kills his brother. He murders him.  Then he says smugly to God, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Externalizing internal conflict to make you feel better is never THE answer.

Jacob and Esau: Jacob steals his Esau’s birthright and then deceives their father to get his blessing. You can imagine that Esau is outraged, so Jacob flees. He goes to his mother’s family to find protection. Running away is not a long-term solution. You might need it in the short-term, but is never THE answer.

The Golden Calf: Now here is a communal conflict and the Israelite people who were slaves in Egypt, still have that slave mentality of being taken care of by their masters. They misunderstood what it meant to be empowered and mistrusting of Moses as he is up on the mountain. So when Moses was a bit delayed, they got frustrated. They couldn’t wait for Moses to return, they gave into their despair and looked for a quick fix, the golden calf. As Moses comes off the mountain with the tablets, is so distraught with the golden calf that the words fly off the tablets. Unable to hold the tablets, he drops them and they are shattered. Regression, going back to what was difficult but familiar, is not THE answer.

All of these stories, but one, teaches us that because of the conflict, our people, our ancestors are moved into being great leaders. They needed the conflict to become true to their own selves and to take their rightful place as patriarchs and matriarchs. Adam and Eve, they get kicked out of the garden. They made the decision to eat the fruit, but it gave all of us the opportunity to be partners with God. To do the work needed to care for the world gives meaning to our lives when we take the opportunity to partner with God.

Jacob goes to his mother’s family and he falls in love with that younger sister, Rachel. But he is deceived by his future father-in-law and given Leah through trickery. What goes around comes around. Jacob, the deceiver, becomes the deceived. Still, he continues to work hard despite the deception and trickery. He works hard to create a family, and it is then that he decides to return home. He goes to reunite with his brother Esau. It’s interesting that the night before they are reunited, Jacob has to wrestle with the angel. He has to resolve an internal turmoil before he can see his brother again.

And the golden calf: Moses broke the first set of tablets. But God gave us a second chance. What an incredible lesson! Moses goes back up to receive a second set of tablets, but instead of God making the tablets alone, God has Moses cut the stone for the second tablets and chisel the letters. This makes the second set even better than the first, for now we have a new level of ownership of Torah.

But Cain’s egregious act did not fare well. He becomes the end of the line; it is through Seth, Adam and Eve’s other son born after Abel’s death that the line continues. This story teaches is the certainty that we don’t allow ourselves to hurt another to relieve our own pain. That is never acceptable and comes to dangerous ends.

Conflict, depending on how you deal with it, really can be a teachable moment or it can be a traumatic experience in your life. We need to look at each and every lesson that conflict can teach us. Someone once said, “Life is difficult: you get the test before the lesson.” Conflict is a test, so to speak. It’s a way for us to take the opportunity to see what our character can bring forth in stressful times. None of us is immune from conflict. We experience it every day in our lives: at home and at work and at play. How we approach that conflict is truly what makes it powerful.

I love when couples come to my office for the first meeting with me as they prepare to partner for life. They come and if they say, “We never fight,” I roll up my selves because my job is to teach them how to fight. My job is to teach them how to deal with conflict together because conflict of course eventually will be a reality in their lives together. Conflict deepens our relationships, because conflict teaches us of where each of us stands, reveals what we value and what we believe to be true. When we have a precious relationship with someone, our partner or our children, conflict is the way we have of getting closer. It’s about passion. You can’t have only the smooth kind of passion; you’ve got to have both the smooth and the conflicted.  That’s the beauty for me of working especially with young couples to try to teach them how to handle conflict in their relationship.

I have discovered a pattern, it is not scientifically proven, but I test it our each and every time I meet with a couple, and so far it’s 100% accurate. What I am with a couple, either in counseling, or in preparation for their partnering, or perhaps in the early years of their life together, I find that there are opposing forces in the couple themselves. Ninety-five percent of the time, one of the couple is an external thinker problem solver and the other is an internal thinker and problem solver. It’s very interesting that most have no idea that the other is different. Often, they can ignore unless things become stressful in their lives and they come to me with such intensity about their conflicts. When I talk about their conflicts in terms of internal versus external, they can’t believe that I know them so well, often when I’ve never met them before.

The external thinker thinks out loud, puts a lot of things out on the table, tries a lot of ideas and often says a lot of things they don’t really mean. The internal thinker thinks silently for a long time before saying anything, and only do when they think they’ve come up with is the right answer, so they very rarely say things they don’t mean. When the couple comes together over an issue, they clash until they understand how the other one thinks. The internal thinker says, “Well, you said this! And you said this! And you said this!” And the external thinker says, “What, I never said that!” because they try ideas on and take them off and discard them, almost like an outfit. When an idea is discarded, they’re done with it. They don’t even remember that they thought it. It isn’t until them come to a conclusion that, “Yes, this is what’s upsetting me,” that they hold on to an idea.

Once these couples understand that, their conflict becomes really energizing for them. You can make the best decisions with an internal and an external thinker. They really help each other. The internal thinker holds the external thinker back because they would move too quickly. And the external thinker moves the internal think forward, urging them to move a little bit faster. That’s how the best decisions are made: by opposing forces. Conflict at its best brings forward amazing things.

In the book of Proverbs, we are given directions for when we confront difficulties in our lives. I think this could be an incredible manual for any therapist in our congregation. It has such wisdom. The first that I’d like to share with you is, “A hot-tempered person provokes quarrel. A patient person calms strife.” It seems that escalation of conflict has become the norm. Just turn on the T.V. and you will see these town meetings where civil discourse has truly been put aside. Red-faced, spewing words: it’s absolutely amazing to watch. I know it comes from a great deal of fear, but I can’t believe that there is no sense that we are in public. Road rage: we’ve all experience that. And my favorite: the emails you get all in caps, screaming at you with no sound. It’s time to turn the volume down, as Proverbs tells us. We need to be aware of what our fears and concerns are, of what’s going on internally for us before we begin civil discourse. It’s Cain and Abel again. Be careful! Listen to what’s going on. If Cain had listened to God and listened to what was going on inside of himself, I believe that Cain would still be alive in the story. Turning the volume down allows us to hear ourselves and each other. You need a time out; it’s the 24-hour rule: when your face starts getting heated, you know it’s time to stop and wait 24-hours before you respond.

Proverbs 11:12: “The one who speaks scornfully of their fellow is devoid of sense. A prudent person keeps peace.” We often create a character critique of somebody who disagrees with us. Somehow their character is flawed, rather than their ideas. Keep to the issues, Proverbs tells us. People can disagree and people can agree to disagree. One doesn’t need to be wrong for you to be right. There are many different perspectives, many different viewpoints about the same issue. That is a blessing about being human.

Shamie and Hillel in the Talmud teach us this great lesson about disagreeing in a way that makes sense.  The House of Shamie and the House of Hillel fought small minutia over hillelhav, of Jewish law. It is said that finally after three years, God decided to resolve the conflict. From the heavens God said, “Alright guys! Deevray eloheim hiheem! Both of you are speaking the words of the Living God. It’s O.K. Please! Stop arguing!” But in the end, it says that Hillel won the argument, so that the rabbis ask, “How could that be? You said that both of them were right! How could Hillel actually win the argument?” And God explained, “You see, the House of Hillel would teach Rabbi Shamie’s perspective in their discourse.” The House of Hillel taught the perspective of the people whose position they disagreed with, they validated that perspective, they honored that perspective.
 
There is a wonderful example of this that I have experienced over this past year with the Downtown Clergy Association. There are many large congregations in the downtown area, and we are in conversation monthly. As many of you may know, many mainline Protestant denominations are not always very supportive of Israel, sometimes even extremely critical. They see themselves to be on the side of the Palestinian people. It’s been a conflict; it’s been a struggle. But if I wasn’t at the table, there would be no Jewish voice in attendance.

When the Gaza situation erupted, it was just a few days before the other clergy and I gathered for our monthly breakfast meeting. At that meeting they asked me what I thought of the situation. It was far from academic for me, for as you know at that time my daughter Rebecca was living in Jerusalem, and my other daughter, Naomi, was on her way to attend a program there for four and a half months just a few weeks after the start of the disruption. I told them the story of our cousin, Hagit. She and her family lived in Chav Harza, which is two miles from the Gaza border. Her husband grew up there and his parents were founding members, making it very important to raise their three children there. Their daughter was terrified from the kazams and fearful. The last straw was that a kazma hit their neighbor’s house and killed him as they were having dinner next door. I told them the story of Hagit and her family, and one of my friends who gets a lot of pressure about being pro-Palestinian said to me that day, “I am going to push back. I’m not going to be pro-this or pro-that. I’m going to speak from the pulpit pro-peace.” I thought that was a resolution.

Not many months later, this past summer, this same minister brought one of his colleagues to his congregation down the street. I don’t know if everyone is aware, but the liberal protestant community have brought up many protestant ministers who are Palestinian who live in the region. That’s were a great deal of their information comes from, these Palestinian ministers. One of them came to speak and the minister of this downtown church invited me to the lunch. As the visiting minister was speaking, he turned to me and said, “Ahem! I guess it depends on where you stand how you tell the story. That is, when you decide when the history of the land begins.” Just my presence brought this question forth. At the end of his speech, he asked me to speck. He gave me the last word, and for that I am grateful.

Being with people who only agree with me is short-lived. Being with people who disagree with me helps me learn more, helps me grow and brings the most crucial voice to the table. Here we have the experience of what it means to look deep into someone else’s heart. For the Proverbs say, “He, who looks for love, overlooks faults. He, who harps on a matter, alienates friends.” We can’t do either-or; we can’t act as though there is no conflict or just harp on the same conflict day after day, or year after year. We have to learn from it and move forward. We have to look at what it means to have the courage to come forward to ask for forgiveness from a conflict. And if we are the ones who are asked for forgiveness, we have to be open to accept that person’s apology.

In the Mishnah it tells us that you ask three times for forgiveness. If you are not granted it by the third time, the sin is on the other. Yom Kippur has a lot to do with conflict, because forgiveness has a lot to do with how we tolerate conflict and how we learn from it. Forgiving ourselves allows us to struggle within and do the work we need to. Knowing that somebody else is forgiving and accepting of us, allows us to deal with the conflict with another person. The tradition says, as far as we go in the journey, God will meet us. There, too, we can be forgiven.

For this next year, my hope and prayer for all of us is this: that for very conflict we experience, we work towards a solution. In every strife that we meet, that we move it toward some kind of synergy and creativity. When we disagree, may it lead us to respect and revelation. And when we have discord, may it help us become more discerning and more aware. On this Yom Kippur, may we be transformed.

Shana Tova